Meet My Boyfriend...

Allow my to introduce you to my boyfriend, Sr. Show. Some days he is 4ft tall and some days he's 5ft. His eye color changes almost daily. He has a sturdy build and smells of fresh cut wood and oil paint. Some days he is the most gorgeous thing you have ever seen, but sometimes he's a little creepy. He likes giving off weird vibes and making people think.

I am absolutely in love with him. I think about him constantly. I have an entire notebook in which I've been writing about nothing but him. He's talented and creative and some days he just sweeps me off my feet, I can't hardly believe it! I want to spend all my time at his place, the studio, and I find myself there even after curfew! (sh! Don't tell the school!) Some nights I am so tempted to just stay until morning... who would know? I occasionally think about bringing him home with me, but I think he would just make a mess of my apartment.

Here are a few pictures of us together:

Anxiety, Apathy, and Additional 'A' Words

Anxiety: SENIOR SHOW. Holy crap. Yesterday Crawford asked us to make out a DAILY schedule of what we're going to do for the show for the rest of the semester. Talk about over-whelming. Not to mention, I have to actually DECIDE what it is I'm going to be doing... Because my plan is to start my first piece Tuesday. Oh my goodness. Scheduling out the rest of my semester is scary! When I finished it I thought, "oh, this is accomplishable..." my next thought was, "if senior show was my only class!" Ladies and gentlemen, I am going to die this semester. Crawford said that a total of 5 people have failed senior show. She did not specify if it was because of death or not. My art major was supposed to be for kicks and giggles! When did everything get serious! It feels like a relationship... I love it so much, but it is so time consuming!

Apathy: Business courses. I love finance. I enjoy it, but in the middle of the day, I do not want to do the homework. And, occasionally, I don't do the homework until an hour before class and guess what - it's still easy. My ideal apathetic course: wait 'til the last minute to get an A. Capstone, overrated. The class would be good and interesting, if it were my only class. But I am so distracted that Capstone just kind of slips in the cracks. I want to care more, but my anxiety over senior show just overshadows everything else.

Antsy-ness: I am so antsy for the next thing! I hardly can focus on the now because I am just so excited and looking forward to the future! I have so much to do now, but I simply want to sit down plan the upcoming months after graduation! So, when you add in the anxiety of senior show, I feel even more anxious about the future because I have to do so much before I get there and when you add in the apathy, I feel even more apathetic towards the business classes.

Apprehension: Senior show is scary. I feel very apprehensive about my artistic ability. But what is even more scary is real life is approaching. I'd be crazy if I didn't feel apprehensive about my goal to move to London. It's a whole 'nuther country! Out of all my 'A' emotions, I am really trying to suppress this one, because if it gets out of hand, it'll hold me back.

Well, I guess I had better get back to my mountain of homework and art stuff...

Currently Listening to: A Little More Country Than That by Easton Corbin

Daddy, Your Daughter Wants to Be an Artist...

So, I was in the studio painting for four hours last night. While I was waiting for some of my paint to dry, I flipped through some art school catalogues. The first thing I thought of was, "Ugh, I want to go to art school!" That was interesting to me because it was my first reaction, and usually the first reaction is indicative of what one really wants... Don't get me wrong, I still want to get an MBA! I feel torn. And cheated. I feel torn because there are two things I want to do in life and they are complete opposites. I feel cheated because I only really got a year of art classes (because I decided to be an art major last spring...). I don't feel like I'm any good at art, but it is undeniably my passion. My top places to go are the studio, art museums, and galleries. I love surrounding myself with art, it is the most liberating feeling ever. Finance is fun, but I don't feel like I'm exploring or developing or growing. Last night I got a taste of what this semester is going to be all about: personal exploration. I'm learning how to translate my emotions and inexpressible thoughts into shapes and colors.

I came home at about one in the morning. I would have stayed longer, but the studio was empty and I thought that going home would be safer. I felt at peace, even though my mind was racing, and I just felt creative. I have never really felt like I'm an artist... I've always felt like I just do it for fun, but last night I felt like I'm on the path towards being an artist. Professor Crawford would say that I am already, but I disagree, maybe for the fact that I'm not confident in anything artistic. I am beginning to feel confident, though. I am anxious to finish the paintings I was working on last night and show them to Professors Crawford and Himes. I am anxious for their evaluations and thoughts. When I first decided to become an art major I went into it thinking that I was just doing it for fun, but this is not just for fun anymore... this is a passion and it will become part of who I am. My artistic inclinations are only expanding. I want to go to art school so badly. I want to continue learning in the arts and growing as an artist. It really is the most extraordinary feeling.

Yesterday I met with Professor Crawford and she asked me, "How did you get here? You were just an art historian..." I alluded to her influence in my love of art, but I really got here just by following my heart. And I feel like my works are just illustrations of my heart breathing. And after a good breath of fresh air, I feel so much better.

Currently Listening to: I Loved Her First by Heartland

Here's What I Want to Do...

Actually, first, what I do NOT want to do is 3-D design homework, ANYTHING business (unless I need an excel spreadsheet), go out into the cold, worry about work, make my bed, or go to meetings.

So, my list of top five things to do right now includes: paint, research for my fabulous future, plan a trip to Canada this weekend, start packing (I'm moving out in May... haha...) and obviously write in my blog, because that's what I'm doing.

However, after I dispel some excitement, I must go work on my design homework. Then, I must go to a meeting. Then after my meeting I need to finish my design before I go chill with my girls! Then (I'm not sure why I'm planning out my afternoon/night) I should go to the studio and paint/work on SOMETHING to show to Professor Crawford tomorrow.

So, I guess as an assessment, I have to do 2 things I don't want to, but then I get to do 2 things that I do want to. However, to do some of those things, I have to go out in the cold, so technically I will be doing more things that I don't want to do. Dear school, get off my back and let me go to Canada!

Well, I need to get to work. I need to use my energy on something productive. :/

Currently Listening to: Forever Now by Tokio Hotel

Antsy Pants...

I am Miss Antsy lately! I am anxious for everything from hoping that the snow tomorrow cancels class to my New York City trip to graduation and beyond. My goodness. I haven't felt this antsy/excited about life in a long time. It feels like it has been the longest time that I have felt excitment for what the next day may bring! It's a rather refreshing feeling, actually. There is so much going on in my life right now... and there are so many surprises! I feel like I'm starting to shed off winter and I'm ready to put on a dress and emerge as a butterfly, but it keeps on snowing! There is beauty in it, though. The trees sparkle. I can walk a foot and a half above the ground wondering if I'm going to fall through. I can look at Kio's paw prints in the snow. I can dance in the snow. But I'm still ready for a dress and flip flops and sunglasses and lemonades and stargazing and walks to the studio. Dear spring, please hurry. I think this will be an exciting time to have a blog, mostly because my great expectations of life are beginning to bloom...

Currently Listening to: I Have and Always Will by Dave Barnes

My First Blog Since Xanga...

Hello blogging community,
I have noticed that I have been feeling like I want to write and share online more and more, and changing my status on Facebook compulsively just doesn't satisfy me. Hence, the blog. However, it will be interesting to see how long this little nagging at me lasts, so this blog may or may not be a flop.

As an explanation for the blog title, not only is it my favorite book (I don't care if Dickens got paid by the word, I love it), it is also pretty representative of me. Ever since I came out to college, my expectations of life have become grand. Likewise, my expectations of myself have increased. I am ambitious, I am adventurous, I am capable, I am intelligent - there is no reason for failure. However, unlike Pip, I do not have a benefactor who is there to realize my dreams for me. I am well aware that if I want it, I have to work to get it myself.

Enough about my expectations for now. Let's give a bit of a background upon which my future posts can hope to make sense:
As a senior in college, I will be planning the next 5 years of my life. Clearly this is going to be a volatile time in my life, if for nothing else than for the sheer fact that I'm young and there are a million things on my "to-do-before-my-last-kid's-graduation" list. Just for the record, there are no kids. No husband either for that matter. I do, however, have a little dog, Kio, who is the love of my life. I currently work as an apartment manager. I'm sure I'll rant about it in the future. In May I will be graduating with a double major in Business Management and Art. Art is my passion, finance is my talent. I love art, but I also need to feed myself. Most art majors at this school have another major, we're sort of rational.

Currently, I feel mostly pleased with my decisions up to this point. The apartment manager position could have used some more thought, but I have Kio, so everything is worth it, plus, the experience on my resume will pay off too (it's really not that bad; I'm exaggerating). My choice in school was iffy in the beginning, but I think that that's worked out too, there are way more opportunities that I have had here than I think I would have gotten anywhere else (especially BYU, yup, I have to bash). I've been through some rocky times recently, which has caused a lot of need for personal reflection, and thus, this blogger release of thoughts/emotions/ambitions/desires. The highlight of my life, I think, is my art major. I cannot describe currently how much I enjoy it and how soothing yet exhilarating it is. I wish I could just drop my business classes and focus on art. But if I do that, I can't graduate with a double first, and then all of my not enjoyable business classes would have been in vain.

Well, that is all for now. I unfortunately have a mountain of business homework that needs to be pruned.

Currently listening to: World Behind My Wall by Tokio Hotel