So, I was in the studio painting for four hours last night. While I was waiting for some of my paint to dry, I flipped through some art school catalogues. The first thing I thought of was, "Ugh, I want to go to art school!" That was interesting to me because it was my first reaction, and usually the first reaction is indicative of what one really wants... Don't get me wrong, I still want to get an MBA! I feel torn. And cheated. I feel torn because there are two things I want to do in life and they are complete opposites. I feel cheated because I only really got a year of art classes (because I decided to be an art major last spring...). I don't feel like I'm any good at art, but it is undeniably my passion. My top places to go are the studio, art museums, and galleries. I love surrounding myself with art, it is the most liberating feeling ever. Finance is fun, but I don't feel like I'm exploring or developing or growing. Last night I got a taste of what this semester is going to be all about: personal exploration. I'm learning how to translate my emotions and inexpressible thoughts into shapes and colors.
I came home at about one in the morning. I would have stayed longer, but the studio was empty and I thought that going home would be safer. I felt at peace, even though my mind was racing, and I just felt creative. I have never really felt like I'm an artist... I've always felt like I just do it for fun, but last night I felt like I'm on the path towards being an artist. Professor Crawford would say that I am already, but I disagree, maybe for the fact that I'm not confident in anything artistic. I am beginning to feel confident, though. I am anxious to finish the paintings I was working on last night and show them to Professors Crawford and Himes. I am anxious for their evaluations and thoughts. When I first decided to become an art major I went into it thinking that I was just doing it for fun, but this is not just for fun anymore... this is a passion and it will become part of who I am. My artistic inclinations are only expanding. I want to go to art school so badly. I want to continue learning in the arts and growing as an artist. It really is the most extraordinary feeling.
Yesterday I met with Professor Crawford and she asked me, "How did you get here? You were just an art historian..." I alluded to her influence in my love of art, but I really got here just by following my heart. And I feel like my works are just illustrations of my heart breathing. And after a good breath of fresh air, I feel so much better.
Currently Listening to: I Loved Her First by Heartland
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